(picture taken 2-10-12)
Journal entry 5-12-12My heart is broken, broken, broken! You took our new baby in my womb at 16 weeks. Taking the kids to see the heartbeat on Wednesday was suppose to be exciting for them. I had just seen it flipping and flopping around with a good strong heart beat 4 weeks earlier. Exciting for them to see that little beat on a black and white screen, exciting to not now what sex that little miracle in me was. However, there was not a beat in the room, but the lump dropping from my throat. It was one of the hardest moments in my life looking over at Freda and telling her You had taken our baby home. Telling her there is no baby with life in momma anymore. I will never forget that picture of a curled spinal cord, with it's legs and arms tucked in. She cried and cried broken, her little heart broken too. It was so exhausting thinking I no longer had a living miracle in me. The loss feels like an immediate death. I argue with You knowing I know what my children are, how they all have the same blond hair and blue eyes. Tell me today what was different with this little miracle, tell me today what you were saving him from? I search for comfort in the scriptures of Your words: Job 26:6 I will cling to my righteousness and never let it go. My conscience will not accuse me as long as I live! My mind wants to accuse me and tell me what went wrong, what happened, but I know You have a glorious plan that trumps all in every walk of life. We found out it was a little boy developed just as he would've been at 16 weeks. Then I'm drawn to Psalms 139:15-16 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. God I ask that you show Grey how much love we have for him, but I know that Your love for him is so much GREATER that this love here on earth. As I finished Job this morning (that's what I've been studying over the last month, no coincidence I don't think) that Job understood that no plan of His can be thwarted and Job's eyes had seen Him, the Almighty. God goes on to restore Job and as I read over that last chapter, re freshness filled my soul, re freshness of knowing in time through His plan I will be restored. Then I talked to a dear, dear friend and the happiness in her voice, the things that are taking place in her life sounded restored. She is being restored, through what once seemed so unrestorable. My eyes filled with tears of joy talking to her, tears of happiness and triumph. Just as trumpet's sounded when new ones are welcomed to there everlasting home in the sky, they sound again , when over time our soul restores to see His glorious plan.
(we named him grey because we only knew him in black and white)
2 comments:
Sarah, I am aiways amazed at how God in His Omnepotence is able to reveal Himself to those in great need. Those who seek His will for their lives.
It is so obvious you are searching His word and The Holy Spirit in communion with you are finding you way to hope and understanding as much as we are able to do so on this side of eternity.
God has said." give no thoubht as what you must say in that hour, for I will be with you and teach you ..". So often we find ourselfs in those moments speechless, however, as God has shown through He makes a way, and gives us light in the darkest hours. Continue in your obedient walk, God, has said, and you are proof, "Seek, and you will find".
So often we are told,"to fight the good fight", or" in everything give thanks because your heavenly Father knows....". Your testimony reveals you desire truth, and God is revealing Himself to you in a very special way.
Our hearts, and prayers have and will continue on you and famy's behalf. You are loved so dearly. Our family are always here for you.
I the grandfather to our, "not departed little one", but rather our soon taken little bundle of love, for
reasons I've graciously given over to our loving God who said, concerning children,"whoever humbes himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 18:4
I have the greatest respectfor each of you, and our hearts are one and we will continue for God to give you all strength and boldness in this hour of need.
Lovingly, PaPa and NaNa.
I loved this post. I didn't know it was a boy but I LOVE his name! I cannot tell you the impact your family has had on me. Freda and IJ are 2 of the sweetest children who love God with all of their heart. They were such a good influence to their classmates! I hope you have enjoyed your first week of summer! I am sending a link to my private blog soon! Click on the link below to go to my kindergarten blog. There are some great homeschool ideas on the left...especially Moffet Girls! Take care!
Sarah
Kindergarten Korner
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