Change

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

I have to say this journey Nathan and I have been on the last 2 months have been heart wrenching. It sounds so cliche to say those words when no one is dying, ill, or a tragic event has taken place to any of our immediate family. However when God is calling you to die to oneself it is as if your heart is being ripped out from under your chest. My hearts desire has been to have more children over the last year waiting eagerly to announce the news that another Henry would join our family. Over this last year I have waited patiently and not so patiently on His timing for this. Me having the conceived notion that I've gotten 4 blessings pretty easily. Eagerly, Patiently waiting....waiting while God was stirring our hearts in other areas of our lives. Stirring for me to teach my children, Stirring for me to give our children a world vision, Stirring for Nathan to have a call of ministry, Stirring for us to be missionaries overseas....Stirring for us to have a God Family vision....Stirring..Asking God what does this look like for our family. Taking some steps, seeking wise counsel, asking God what does it look like?
We came home (Arkansas) for a short fall break visit in early October eagerly to announce #5 was on the way!! We left late one afternoon, so we were driving through the night, when I said "let's start thinking of baby names, since it takes us forever and with a few even a day or so after they are born." Nathan was all for this. He said "OK next name we can read on the back of a semi will be our name." You know what I'm thinking "o great, driving to AR in the middle of MO it's gonna be Tyson"! Well we drive alittle bit and all of sudden there it is on the back of a semi, the words read "flash". "YES" Nathan says "flash Henry". "" ooh it will be fast,, it will be speed lightening"" Our little joke of how we would tell everybody that another baby was on it's way because when you have 4 and you say your going to have another you need something to break the ice. Note to self::: not everyone thinks of children as a blessing, some think of them as money pits. We came back to Kentucky with God still Stirring...Nathan walked in that Tuesday afternoon after work and I told him I was spotting. Bye Wednesday afternoon at my Doctors appointment I had started bleeding heavily. I was having a miscarriage. My heart ached. I have to have my levels checked that day and Friday. The call on Wednesday afternoon confirmed the miscarriage. I go back on Friday and get a call back to come into the ER my levels have gone up. I was not in any sort of physical pain. They thought they might have missed something. Hopes arose. After a visit in the ER no sign of a blessing, the DR wanted to do a D&C. I told him I wanted to go home for the weekend and I would come back on Monday have my levels checked again and confirm them going down. I got to come home and focus on my 4 blessings. I go back on Monday and my levels had slightly rose again. A week had almost passed and they felt I really needed a D&C in order to keep from getting an infection, because of the tissue still in my uterus. I argued like my dad would do with Dr's, however they won. I went in on that Wednesday the 26th for a D&C. That night as Nathan and I bowed our heads before God, shedding tears of sadness, pain, hurt, discouragement. God revealed that although it's life was just a "flash" here on this earth, It has eternity with ME! "flash" HE knew, the ALMIGHTY, POWERFUL God knew 'flash" and the significance of it's name. What was alittle joke to us, was so powerful to the ONE who created it (I hate calling it and it). He knitted it together in my womb, He knows it's name and the number of hairs on it's head. I was never prepared for the emotional side of this, but God already knows that and that is what He wants. He wants my unpreparedness so He can search me to prepare me for my willingness to lean, obey, trust, and have faith in Him in all circumstances. Paul learned this in Philippians he says: "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:12-13. My strength has to be through HIM and is of HIM. God is still stirring...and we are praying God what do these things look like to you that you have stamped on our hearts with great detail. Nathan has reminded me several times over the month, that God already has the Victory, satan can try to destroy, but that is all he can do is try, because the VICTORY is recorded and His word is placed in our hearts to cast satans name down. God tells us that, to cast satans name out of your home, your marriage, your children, your family. If God prepared us ahead of time good or bad, our life would be void of trust, obedience, love, forgiveness, and faith. And in the good or in the bad when you desire to seek His face in your life Christ is going to change you!
In Christ Alone,
Sarah